Redefining Friendship: Understanding the Circle of Support
As a therapist, I often notice recurring themes among my clients, and relationships stand out as a significant one. These aren't limited to romantic relationships—friendships frequently take center stage in our conversations. Many clients express a desire to feel closer to their friends or grapple with uncertainty about where they stand in their interpersonal relationships.
A common concern I hear is the fear of viewing their friendships differently than the people they engage with. Some worry about being the ones who always initiate contact. They wonder, “If I stopped reaching out, would I ever hear from them?” This can lead to feelings of being in one-sided relationships, which can be disheartening and isolating.
When my colleague, Jennifer Clark LCPC, introduced me to the concept of the Circle of Support, I immediately saw its relevance for these clients. It’s a framework that has resonated deeply with individuals navigating concerns around connection, reciprocity, and relational balance, offering them a new lens to understand and navigate their friendships.
Created and adapted by Jennifer Clark LCPC
So, what is the Circle of Support? Think of it as a tool to help you organize and reflect on your friendships. To get started, grab a pen and paper and make a list of all your friends. Once you have your list, place each name in the circle that best represents their role in your life.
Try to approach this exercise with curiosity rather than judgment. You might notice that some friends who were once in your circle of friendship have shifted to the circle of participation. Or perhaps someone who has been a longstanding presence in your life moves between the circle of intimacy and the circle of friendship.
This process highlights an important truth: interpersonal relationships are dynamic—they are always evolving. It’s not just about how others show up in your life, but also about how you show up in theirs. This reflection can provide valuable insights into the balance and reciprocity within your connections.
I used to think I had tons of friends. I had a long list of people I’d invite to my house parties and dozens more I’d interact with at social events. We’d share surface-level details about our lives, always greeting each other with warm smiles or hugs. I used to call these my “party friends.” Then, I had my best friends—the ones I felt most connected to.
Looking back, most of my relationships fell into the circle of participation. I’d sometimes feel frustrated that those friendships didn’t naturally deepen into the circle of friendship. Over time, though, as I continued showing up in these social spaces, I realized this dynamic is entirely normal. Not everyone is meant to move closer into your inner circles. In fact, I’ve come to appreciate having just a few people in my circle of friendship and one or two in my circle of intimacy.
When you accept that not everyone can or should show up for you in deeply connected ways, you start to see your relationships more objectively. You can better understand where they naturally fall within the Circle of Support—and that clarity can bring a sense of peace and gratitude.
If you find yourself frustrated that some friends don’t seem to put in the same effort to maintain a connection, consider talking to them. They’re not mind readers, and they might not even be aware of the unspoken resentment brewing. Or perhaps they’re more accurately acquaintances—and that’s okay. Give yourself permission to spend more time and energy nurturing the friendships within your circle of friendship and circle of intimacy.